Not Just a Guy in a Bar
by xxLittle Black Dressxx
Summary: One shot set in the 8x13 If/Then episode – where Addison and Derek get a real chance.


A/N: I've been wanting to write an Addison/Derek story based on the 8x13 If/Then episode for a while now. I thought the storyline had so much potential, but the Addison/Derek part ended up being kind of a letdown. I hope that this story adds a little more dimension to what we were given on the show…and a happy ending for Addison and Derek. I hope you enjoy it! :)

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><p><em><strong>Not Just a Guy in a Bar<strong>_

Derek Shepherd stared blankly at the man sitting across from him. "Have you ever heard the phrase, 'It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all'?" he asked.

His psychologist, Dr. Jonathan Bradley, looked back at him in surprise. "I have. It's a good saying."

"It's a horrible saying," Derek disagreed. "The way I see it, whoever came up with it had either never been in love, or had never _really_ loved the person he lost."

"And you know this?" Dr. Bradley asked.

Derek nodded. "I do." Derek knew this because four simple words were all it took for him to lose everything. He thought he would have been relieved when Addison looked at him, with tears in her eyes, and uttered those four life-changing words – _"It's not your baby."_ But he wasn't. He was crushed.

Dr. Bradley quickly consulted his notes. "So, this is about Addison?" He phrased it as a question, but both men knew it wasn't a question at all.

Derek just stared at him blankly. Of course, this was about Addison. After their fight outside the O.R., he went and spoke with Ellis Grey, and hearing Ellis say that Addison had threatened to quit had been the wakeup call that he needed. He realized, then, that he didn't want to lose Addison; he didn't want lose his chance to be involved in his baby's life; he didn't want to lose his job, which Ellis was threatening to take away in order to keep Addison in Seattle. He didn't want to lose any of it. So he went to set things straight with Addison but, instead, she said those four earth-shattering words – _"it's not your baby"_ – and took away everything.

"So, how did you respond when Addison told you that the baby wasn't yours?" Dr. Bradley asked gently.

Derek cringed slightly. He'd had a week to let the news sink in, but it still hurt.

"Did you run?" Dr. Bradley pressed, when Derek didn't answer.

Derek looked at Dr. Bradley intently. "I walked away," he admitted. _Walk away, Derek. It's what you do best. _"I went to a bar…Joe's bar."

"Did it help?"

Derek shrugged. "I don't know. A little, maybe." It hadn't helped – not really. He had spent the night making polite conversation with a resident, who offered him some solace when she told him that, tonight, he could forget about who he was and who he had been…that, tonight, he could be 'just a guy in a bar.' And he had to admit, the offer was tempting at first. But the more he thought about it, the more he hated it. He wasn't 'just a guy in a bar.' Up until a little while ago, he was a surgeon, a husband (albeit an unhappy one), and a soon-to-be father. Somehow, being 'just a guy in a bar' didn't measure up to all that.

He picked up on the 'you wanna have sex' vibes that the resident was sending him – it was tough not to. But, in the end, he decided not to sleep with her. She was Meredith Webber, Ellis Grey's daughter…and Ellis already disliked him. He couldn't imagine that using her daughter for rebound sex would do much to get him into Ellis' good graces. Plus, he was still married, and he wasn't a cheater – that was Addison's thing. So he didn't sleep with Meredith…just went home to the trailer that he'd been living in for months, and tried to go to sleep.

Of course, falling asleep, that night (and every night since that night), proved to be an impossible task. His mind was racing. On the one hand, he couldn't help thinking that Addison had done him a favor – that her infidelity was his ticket out of a loveless marriage. But then there was the other part of him – the part of him that felt hurt and betrayed and empty…and he didn't know why. He hadn't even been able to look Addison in the eye and tell her that he loved her; why didn't he feel more relieved to find out that he didn't have to love her anymore?

"Derek, you're not giving me much to work with," Dr. Bradley said, ripping Derek from his thoughts. "Maybe you could tell me a bit about your and Addison's history. When did you two first start having problems?"

Derek sighed. "I guess we've been having problems ever since she cheated on me with my best friend, Mark…back when we lived in New York." That was only a half-truth. Their problems had started earlier than that. He just hadn't realized it. Up until the affair, Derek had been pretty happy with his life. He loved living in New York with Addison, Mark, Savvy, and Weiss. He loved his job, and, as the chief's favorite, he was the front-runner for the race to be the new chief of surgery. He wanted that job more than anything – and, admittedly, that's where his and Addison's problems _really_ started. His life became his work. It was always one more surgery or a couple more hours at the hospital and, over time, he and Addison began to see less and less of each other. He was convinced that things would change once he was chief, but he never had the chance to find out. A month before the final decision was to be made, he came home to find Addison in bed with Mark. And that's when things went from bad to worse for them.

"But you forgave her?" Dr. Bradley asked, cutting into Derek's thoughts once again.

"I took her back," Derek said, choosing his words carefully. He took her back, but he never forgave her.

"And then you moved to Seattle?"

Derek nodded. "We moved to Seattle." They couldn't stay in New York anymore. In New York, they weren't Addison and Derek. She was the bitch that had cheated on her husband with his best friend, and he was the fool who took his wife back – that's what people whispered behind their backs, anyway. In Seattle, they could start over. They could pretend to be the perfect couple that they had once been in New York. Except he hated Seattle – and he resented her for it. Addison flourished in Seattle. She became quick friends with Callie and several of the other hospital attendings, and she was almost immediately Ellis Grey's favorite. He, on the other hand, couldn't have been more unhappy. The people at Seattle Grace were nothing like his friends back in New York, and he and Ellis Grey had completely different approaches when it came to practicing medicine. For Ellis, the important thing was cramming as many surgeries as she could into one day. She didn't give two damns about patient care. She didn't seem to realize that an unforeseen complication during brain surgery could take several hours to fix, and so he wasn't comfortable scheduling more than one or two major surgeries a day. It wasn't that he had a golf game or was slacking off; he wanted to make sure that his patients were receiving the best care possible. Ellis didn't get that; no one in Seattle got that. And, fair or not, he blamed Addison for this, because if she hadn't cheated on him, he wouldn't be in Seattle. He wouldn't be miserable. He'd be in New York; he'd be chief of surgery; he liked to think that he and Addison would have sorted out their problems and that they'd still be happily married.

"Well, Derek, that's all the time we have for today," Dr. Bradley said, looking at his watch. "Maybe, next week, you could try to work on opening up a bit more. You know, that way, we can make some real progress."

Derek nodded politely, knowing it would be a cold day in hell before he started opening up more about what had happened to him. A week had passed since the day that he had lost everything and, since then, he had hardly said a word to anyone – especially not to Mark, who was still in town, or Addison, who he couldn't look at without feeling nauseous.

He made his way from Dr. Bradley's office into his own office, and looked at the calendar hanging on his wall to see what his schedule looked like for the day. There was a staff meeting at 8am. He checked his watch; he'd have to go to that soon. He had a surgery scheduled for 10am. And, then, below that, in Addison's meticulous handwriting, his calendar read, _Dr.'s appointment – 2pm_. His throat went dry, and he felt like he couldn't breathe. Overcome by feelings of hurt and anger, he ripped the calendar off the wall and threw it across the room as hard as he could. He wanted to rip the calendar up completely, but he knew he couldn't – his entire schedule…his entire life was on it. So, instead, he picked the calendar up off the floor, grabbed a pen, and crossed off his two o'clock appointment. It started out as a neat, single line, but that wasn't enough. He could still read what was written underneath, and it still hurt, so he drew more lines through the appointment – this time, more forcefully and furiously, until he couldn't read what had been written there. But it still wasn't enough. So he continued to cross-out the already crossed-out appointment with such anger that, if it hadn't of been such a high-quality calendar, he would have surely ripped the paper. A strangled sob escaped his throat, as he continued his massacre on the calendar, and he was only brought back to reality when Richard knocked lightly on his office door.

"Uh, is everything okay?" Richard asked in concern.

Derek barely looked up from the calendar. "Fine," he mumbled, not bothering to meet Richard's eyes.

"Well, we have a staff meeting in five minutes," Richard said. "I just wanted to make sure you remembered."

Derek nodded. "I did." He cast one more look back at his calendar before getting up and leaving his office with Richard. "Let's go."

The meeting was dry and boring, as usual. When Ellis asked him what was on his agenda for the day, he answered, "Craniotomy at 10." Then, with a small, vengeful smile, he added. "But I might also be able to get started on that clinical trial that we were discussing, last week. I had something this afternoon, but I don't anymore…and that's a good thing."

"Good," Ellis nodded, giving Derek a rare smile.

Derek returned her smile before stealing a glance at Addison. She looked crushed. She looked as if someone had knocked the wind out of her. He didn't know why. She had absolutely no right to be upset. Did she seriously think he was going to go to appointments with her? Besides, she had Mark for that now.

His craniotomy was a success. He ate a quick lunch, and made his way through the surgical floor, preparing to begin his research for his clinical trial. He saw Mark flirting with the junkie who had come in a week ago, and glared at him. In a way, Derek was surprised that Mark seemed to be spending all of his time with the junkie, and not with Addison, but he just chalked it up to Mark being Mark. He refused to let himself think about it too much anyway. Mark and Addison had ripped out his heart and used it as a squeeze toy; they were the last people in the world that he wanted to think about, right now.

Mark noticed Derek looking at him, and walked over to him. "Look, Derek, I know you're mad," he said, trying to start a conversation for what must have been the thousandth time that week.

For some reason, Derek decided to indulge him, this time. "Mad?" Derek asked. "My wife is pregnant with your child. I think mad is the understatement of the century."

"Look, I'm sorry," Mark apologized. "I really-"

"I don't want to hear it," Derek interrupted.

"Come on, Derek," Mark pleaded.

"You were supposed to be my best friend," Derek hissed. "This is twice that you've done something like this to me."

"Derek."

"You know, if I were you, I'd check and make sure that the junkie you've been spending so much time with doesn't have a husband…you know, before you go and knock her up too."

"Come on, Derek. Can't we just talk about this like adults?"

"I have nothing to say to you. You are nothing-"

But he was cut off by the sound of his phone vibrating in his pocket. He looked at his phone, and felt his heart drop. It was a reminder about his and Addison's 2 o'clock appointment. He had forgotten that Addison had entered in all of their doctor's appointments into his phone.

"You okay?" Mark asked, as he watched Derek's face contort in pain.

Derek tried to swallow, but it felt like his throat was closing up. "Fine," he finally managed to choke out, his voice thick with emotion. "Don't you have somewhere to be?" he asked Mark.

Mark looked at him quizzically.

Derek sighed. Was Mark really going to make him say it aloud? "Addison has doctor's appointment now," Derek began quietly. "I, uh, I figured you'd be going with her."

Mark looked surprised. "Oh, I, uh…she never mentioned it to me," he shrugged. "I guess if she wanted me there, she would have let me know." He looked at Derek's phone. "She programmed the appointment into your phone? Wow, she must have wanted you to be there. If I didn't know any better…" Mark trailed off, as if he were challenging Derek to take the bait.

Derek didn't bite. "What does it matter, Mark?" he asked angrily, daring to meet Mark's eye. "The whole thing was a scam."

And then it happened. Something in Mark's expression caused all the questions that had been running through Derek's mind to click into place. Was there a reason that Addison hadn't told Mark about her doctor's appointment today? Was there a reason that Mark was spending almost all of his time hanging around the junkie, and not with Addison? Was there a reason that Addison had looked so crushed this morning when he told Ellis that his schedule, this afternoon, had suddenly opened up, and that it was a good thing? Was the baby actually Mark's? Had Addison lied to him; had it his baby all along? The answer to this last question simultaneously excited and terrified him, and he couldn't bring himself to ask the question outright.

"Mark," he began hesitantly. "When did you and Addison sleep together?"

"A little over seven months ago," Mark answered automatically.

"In New York or Seattle?"

"Derek, what are you getting at?"

"Mark, just answer the question."

"No," Mark shot back, folding his arms across his chest. "Derek, ask me the question that you _actually_ want to ask me, and I'll answer it. I'm not going to play this game with you. I'm not going to dance this dance with you."

Derek sighed heavily, unsure if he could coax the words out of his mouth. "Is it my baby?" he asked, unable to meet Mark's eyes.

Mark put a hand on Derek's shoulder. "Of course it is. How could it not be? Addison and I would never dream of sleeping together again…not after we both almost lost you the first time. And, besides, from what Addison's told me, Ellis has you guys working around the clock; when would Addison have had the time to meet up with me without you knowing? To be honest, I'm surprised you two even had the time to get pregnant."

"How could you guys do this to me? How could you lie to me like this?" Derek asked angrily.

"Because Addison loves you, and I'm your best friend. We care about you."

"Well, that's a pretty fucked up way of showing someone that you care about them, don't you think?" Derek retorted.

Mark shrugged. "Addison said you weren't interested in having a baby with her. She said you couldn't even look her in the eye and tell her you loved her."

"So she told me that she wasn't having my baby?" Derek asked angrily. "That's a little rash."

"I think she thought she was saving you. She was giving you a way out of an unhappy marriage. She was cutting you free from a child that you didn't want to have with her."

"But things have changed," Derek insisted. "When Ellis told me that Addison had handed in her letter of resignation, everything changed. I suddenly saw my life without her, and it's not a life I want. And I went to tell her that. I went to tell her that I wanted to make things work…that I wanted to take things one step at a time, and she took it all away from me."

"Yeah, well, Addison's not perfect either," Mark admitted. "But she does care about you. And so do I. That's why I went along with this. We both just want you to be happy."

Derek sighed. "I'm a horrible husband. And, already…I'm already a terrible father."

"Derek," Mark said gently, "you still have time to set things right. You can fix this. The question is do you want to?"

Derek swallowed hard. "You're a good best friend, Mark, you know that? You're a really good friend," he said, extending his hand to Mark.

"Thanks," Mark smiled, pulling Derek in for a hug. "And I know you have it in you to be an incredible husband and father. And, what's more, I know you want to."

After setting things straight with Mark, Derek went to go find Addison. It was already 2:45, and he was pretty sure that he had missed their appointment, but he figured he'd check anyway.

"Derek," Addison's OB, Andrea Spillers, greeted him. "We missed you today."

Derek's face fell. "Did Addison leave?"

Andrea nodded.

"Oh," Derek said quietly. "Um, but the appointment went well? You know, everything's okay with the baby?" _The baby_ – he cringed at the sound of the words leaving his mouth. Addison had been eager to find out the sex of their child, but he had convinced her not to. It wasn't because he wanted it to be a surprise. He knew that finding out the sex of the baby would make everything more real. And he hadn't wanted things to be more real.

Andrea smiled. "The baby looks great."

"Did Addison find out the sex?" Derek asked.

Andrea shook her head. "No."

"I, uh, I'd like to know," Derek stammered.

Andrea looked at him quizzically for a moment, before shrugging her shoulders. "Okay," she agreed, removing Addison's file from the shelf. "Here are the scans from today," Andrea said, handing Derek a few ultrasound pictures. "And I know it's been a while since your OB rotation, so I'm going to make this easy for you, Dr. Shepherd. You're having a little boy."

"I'm going to have a son?" Derek choked out in disbelief.

"You are," Andrea smiled. "Congratulations."

Derek swallowed hard, as he continued to look at the ultrasound pictures in his hand. "Is it just me, or does my son look perfect?"

"He does," Andrea smiled.

"So, uh, you're right…it's been a while since my OB rotation and, um, I guess, well, I was just wondering, what exactly is happening at seven months?"

"In terms of fetal development?" Andrea asked.

Derek nodded.

"Well, at this point, the baby-"

"My son," Derek interrupted.

"Your son," Andrea amended. "Your son's eyebrows and eyelashes are starting to come in, and his fingernails are growing longer, and he can recognize the sound of Addison's voice… and maybe yours too."

This last one stopped Derek cold. His son could recognize the sound of his voice. He couldn't remember the last time that his tone with Addison wasn't angry or condescending or sarcastic. The tone that he'd been using with Addison wasn't the tone he wanted his son to recognize. And realizing that this was probably the case made something inside of him hurt.

"Is everything alright?" Andrea asked, noticing Derek's sudden change in expression.

"Uh, yeah, fine," Derek mumbled. "Thank you for showing me the scans," Derek recovered. "And, you know, for telling me that I'm having a son."

"You're welcome," Andrea smiled.

After leaving Andrea, Derek ran all over the hospital trying to find Addison. He finally found her asleep in one of the on-call rooms. As much as he wanted to wake her, he decided that it was probably better not to. He knew from checking the surgical board that she had surgery in a couple of hours, and he could only imagine how exhausted she must have been. Derek was about to leave her be, when he realized that this could be the perfect opportunity for him to have his first father-son talk with his baby – to let his son know that his father wasn't really this miserable, angry person. He moved a chair over to the bed where Addison was sleeping, and sat down. He hesitantly reached out his hand and placed it lightly on Addison's stomach, afraid that the contact might wake her. But she didn't flinch…she was out cold.

"Hey, little guy," Derek said softly, still being careful not to wake Addison. "I'm your dad. I'm your dad," Derek repeated, loving the way the words sounded coming out of his mouth. "And that other guy you've been hearing…that angry, grumpy guy…I don't know who he is – not anymore, at least. I want you to know that I love you. And if I sounded indifferent, or like I didn't care…I didn't mean it. I want you to know that. And I promise you that you and me and your mom, we're gonna make it work. We're gonna take it one step at a time, and we're gonna make it work. I want to make it work. I'll be there to teach you how to throw a baseball, and I'll help you with your homework when you get older, and we can go fishing together." A wide smile spread across Derek's face as he felt a light fluttering against his hand. "You like that idea, huh?" he chuckled. "You know, I usually don't like going fishing with other people, but I'll make an exception for you…because you're my son…and I love you."

Derek stayed there, talking to his son, for a few minutes longer and, when he finally stood up and began making his way out of the on-call room, he couldn't help smiling at how naturally and easily words had come for him. It was so easy for him to talk to his son; it was so easy for him to tell his son that he loved him. He only hoped that things would go half as smoothly with Addison but, knowing Addison, he had a feeling that she probably wouldn't make things easy on him.

xxxxx

Derek glanced at his watch for what must have been the hundredth time. Addison's surgery should have been over by now, but there had been no sign of her, and Derek was starting to get worried. He spotted April Kepner, the resident who had been assigned to scrub in on Addison's surgery, walking by, and he jogged to catch up with her.

"Kepner," Derek said, pulling April aside. "Have you seen Addison?"

The normally cheerful resident's eyes saddened. "Oh, uh, you haven't heard?" she asked quietly. "Addison and I…we, uh, we lost the baby and the mother in surgery." April swallowed hard. "It was, uh, it was really sad, and Addison took it really hard."

"Where is she?" Derek demanded.

"Um, I think she's in the attendings' lounge with Dr. Torres," April answered. "But I don't know, she might not want to see-"

But Derek was gone before April could finish her sentence. He walked into the attendings' lounge and saw Addison and Callie sitting on one of the couches in there.

"Hey," he said softly, lingering in the doorway.

Addison and Callie looked up at him, but neither said a word.

"I, uh," Derek stammered, as Addison and Callie continued to stare at him. "I'm sorry about your patients," he finally said, as began walking towards Addison. He handed her the cup of hot chocolate in his hand. "I figured you could use some juju."

Callie looked from Addison to Derek. "You know, I should really go check on my kids…make sure they're okay." She turned her attention to Addison. "You okay with me leaving?" she whispered.

Addison nodded.

"Okay," Callie smiled. "I'll see you later."

"Mind if sit down?" Derek asked, once Callie had left.

Addison shrugged, and Derek joined her on the couch. They sat quietly for a while before Addison finally broke the silence. "Look, if you came to talk to me about moving forward with the divorce, I will…I just, can we not talk about it right now?"

"That's not why I'm in here," Derek said. "I wanted to make sure you're alright."

"I'm fine," Addison said quickly.

Derek shook his head. "I know you're not fine."

Addison refused to meet Derek's eyes. "I should have been able to save them," she said more to herself than to him.

"Addison, you're the best in the field. If you couldn't do anything for them, then I'm pretty sure nobody else could have either."

Addison shook her head. "Saving the mother was a long shot," she admitted. "We knew that going in. But the baby…at thirty weeks, she was viable. I should have been able to save her. I've saved smaller preemies. I should have been able to do something to save her."

Derek swallowed the lump that had formed in his throat, as his mind immediately went to where he was certain that Addison's was. Their baby was also thirty weeks. There was no doubt in his mind that Addison felt awful and blamed herself (probably, wrongfully so) for losing the baby in surgery, but he also knew that the glaring similarity between the baby she had lost in surgery and their baby had to be weighing on her heavily. It was weighing on him heavily. He didn't know what he could say to make things better for her, so he settled for gently rubbing her back, hoping that she would find some type of comfort in the gesture.

"Do you need someone to talk to the husband?" Derek asked suddenly, as he thought about the poor man who had just lost everything. "If you tell me what I need to say, I could do it."

Addison shook her head. "I already spoke to him."

"You did?" Derek asked in surprise, wondering if Addison was really the best person to have had deliver that type of heartbreaking news to the husband.

"I know that I was probably the worst person in the world to break the news to him," Addison admitted, reading Derek's thoughts. "But there were so many surgical complications that nobody else would have been able to explain it fully. It's just, I felt so guilty. I mean, there I was, the embodiment of everything that he had just lost, telling him that there was nothing we could do to save his wife and child. Having me break the news to him was like throwing salt in his wounds."

"Does he have any other family that we could call?" Derek asked gently.

"Dr. Kepner's looking into it," Addison said. "We didn't get a chance to ask him because a nurse came to take him in to see his wife and child."

Derek met Addison's eyes, and it took every ounce of his willpower to suppress the sob that was threatening to escape his throat. "I don't want to end up like him," he choked out.

Addison looked at him in confusion.

"Your patient's husband," Derek explained. "I don't want to end up like him. He lost everything. I mean, he didn't really have a choice…his wife was sick, his baby was sick…he didn't have a choice. But I do have a choice. My wife isn't sick, my baby is perfect…I have a choice, and I don't want to lose everything. I don't want to lose you, Addison."

"Derek, I told you, it's not-"

"You and I both know that it's my baby," Derek interrupted, before Addison could finish the sentence.

Addison raised an eyebrow, challenging him to go on.

"Mark told me," Derek said simply. "And I'm an idiot for not figuring it out on my own first. I mean, you and I….we've made our share of mistakes, but neither of us are malicious people. And everything that you've been doing…having me go to doctor's appointments with you, and asking me to meet with the presidents of nursery schools, and asking me if I even wanted to have a baby with you…if it wasn't my baby to begin with, that would just be cruel and malicious – and that's not who you are."

"Who am I, then?" Addison challenged. "Who am I to you?"

"You're a person who made a mistake, back in New York, and I never forgave you for it. I knew I wasn't perfect back in New York either, but your affair…your affair was like waving a magic wand, because it made everything I did okay. And it was easier to be mad at you…because you slept with my best friend, so I was allowed to be mad at you…than to recognize that I was partially responsible for what happened in New York."

"Well, what I did to you was worse than what you did to me," Addison admitted. "You had every right to be angry."

"I _had_ every right to be angry," Derek corrected her. "But I took you back, and never fully forgave you…and I have no right to be angry about it anymore. I've got to stop holding the affair over your head."

"What does it matter?" Addison sighed. "We'll be divorced in a couple of weeks anyway."

"Who's talking divorce?" Derek asked quickly. "I don't want a divorce. Do you want a divorce?"

Addison ran her hand through her hair. "Derek, last week you couldn't even look me in the eye and tell me you loved me. You essentially said that you didn't want to have a baby with me. That's not exactly a marriage I want to stay in."

Derek felt his throat go dry at her words. "Addison, things have changed," he choked out.

She looked at him skeptically.

"They have," he insisted. "After our fight, last week, I spoke to Ellis, and she told me that you threatened to quit. And I suddenly saw my life without you, Addie, and it scared the hell out of me. And I went to tell you that…I went to tell you that I wanted to make things work, but then you told me that you weren't having my baby, and it was like New York all over again."

Addison sighed sadly. "I shouldn't have told you that it wasn't your baby. That wasn't fair to you. It's just, I didn't expect you to care. I thought you'd be relieved."

Derek shook his head. "I was devastated. I mean, I get why you did it…but I was devastated."

"I'm sorry," Addison said quietly. "But, um, you know now, I guess."

"That's not all I know," Derek said softly.

Addison looked at him in confusion.

"I know the gender," Derek smiled.

"What? How?" Addison gasped.

"I went and talked to Andrea after I missed our appointment, today, and she showed me the scans, and I asked her the gender, and she told me." He smiled at Addison smugly. "I can't believe you didn't find out."

Addison shrugged. "Yeah, well," she trailed off.

Derek gave her a warm smile. "Feel like finding out now?" he asked. "I've been dying to share the news with someone ever since I found out."

Addison swallowed hard, touched by Derek's newfound interest and commitment to their child. "Yeah," she whispered.

Derek smiled and took her hands in his. "We're having a boy, Addie. We're having a little boy."

"Seriously?" Addison smiled.

"Seriously," Derek said softly. He met Addison's eyes and smiled. "Are you happy?" he asked.

She nodded. "I am. I just, I can't believe it. A boy…it makes it so much more real."

Derek smiled. "Do you need, um, do you want a minute alone or something? I could give you a minute alone."

Addison shook her head, and tightened her grip on Derek's hand. "No. I, uh, I'd kind of like it if you'd stay here with me."

Derek felt a smile spread across his face. "I'd like that too," he said softly, squeezing her hand reassuringly. "Hey, Addison?"

"Yeah?"

"I want you to know that I want this. I want this baby. I want to be there for our son's first words and first steps, and I already promised him I'd take him fishing. I'm done being indifferent, because I know what it's like to grow up without a dad, and I don't want my son to grow up without his dad. I mean, I didn't have a choice about what happened to my father, but I do have a choice about the kind of relationship I have with my son…with our son. And I want this."

Addison smiled, feeling a sense of relief that no matter what happened between her and Derek, she knew she could count on him to be a good father to their son. "So where does that leave us?" she asked hesitantly. "Where does that leave you and me?"

Derek gave her a warm smile. "I meant it when I said that I want to make this work. I know I've acted like a first-class moron since we've been in Seattle, but when Ellis told me that you were threatening to leave, it scared the shit out of me because, right or wrong, who I am is so wrapped up in you."

Addison looked at him skeptically.

"It's true," Derek insisted. "Do you think I'd be the surgeon I am today if it weren't for all of our late night study sessions in med school and all the long hours we put in together during our internship and residency years? Without you, I wouldn't be a husband-"

"You're not a happy husband," Addison interrupted.

"That's my fault. And, trust me, Addison, I'd be a lot less happy without you. It just took me a while to realize it. You have to believe me when I tell you that I want to make this work. And it's not just because we're having a baby together. I want to make this work because I love you."

Addison swallowed hard. "I love you too, Derek. I want to make this work too."

Derek smiled. "Just out of curiosity, when you told Ellis you were quitting, where were you planning on going?"

Addison looked down at the floor. "L.A."

"L.A.?" Derek asked in confusion.

"Yeah, Naomi and Sam, from med. school…they have a private practice out there, and they're kind of having financial troubles, so I was going to buy a part of the practice and become a co-owner."

"You know," Derek began with a smile, "working at a private practice would give us more time to spend with our son and, I don't know about you, but I hate working for Ellis Grey. I mean, you see how hard it is for Callie and Owen to balance work and family, and I don't want that for us. I'd much rather be a co-owner of a private practice, and set my own schedule. And, hey, isn't there a top-tier hospital in L.A.? St. Ambrose, or something?"

Addison shrugged. "Never heard of it," she admitted.

"I'll have to look into it," Derek said.

"Wait, Derek, what are you saying?" Addison asked.

Derek smiled widely. "I'm saying I want to move to L.A. I want to start our lives over in L.A…I mean, unless you don't want to."

"No, I do," Addison said slowly. "But under one condition."

"Name it."

"We have to be us. We're not a perfect couple…not even close, so we need to stop pretending that we are, and just be us…you know, just be Addison and Derek."

Derek smiled and kissed her softly. "I think that's something we can do."

"Okay, I'm in then," Addison smiled.

Derek wrapped his arms around her and smiled, as he thought about everything that he had just gotten back. He knew now, more than ever, that whoever came up with the phrase, "It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all," had gotten it all wrong. He knew this because he had loved and lost, but he had gotten it all back – and he was eternally grateful. He was now a surgeon, and a husband, who realized that he was still in love with his wife, and who was ready to give his marriage a real shot; he was a soon-to-be father to a little boy, who he already loved more than anything, and a soon-to-be co-owner of a private practice in L.A. And he'd take all that to being 'just a guy in a bar' any day.


End file.
